That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
