I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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