TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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