P.S. I can't hear my feet
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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