Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
