I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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