you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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