You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
