How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
