apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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