Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
only you would photoshop your dick
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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