woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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