my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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