It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize