tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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