dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
