Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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