I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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