I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
