Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
