I can't breathe out the right side of my face
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
