yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
