When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
