The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
