I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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