I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
