Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
