Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
