You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
