Moan for me like Helen Keller
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize