dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
