i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish i was in the wii world.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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