He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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