chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
