I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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