Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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