Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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