My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize