Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
