i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think people are normalizing furries
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
