i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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