Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
