I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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