i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
