I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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