I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
