This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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