My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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