how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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