I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
