The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
