To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
