hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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