if i can run in heels then i can drive
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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