She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
