she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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