oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Randomize
