I think my fart just growled at me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
