6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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